Am I not meant to be happy? As if the world I aspire to turns it’s back uninterested and that which yearns for my company I don’t belong. Limbo, that is where I’ve come to lay my head. Where the world is not enough and heaven wont accept me, cast aside without remorse, forever banished to wonder in fog. Although limbo is described as beautiful and serene but even beauty loses it’s appeal with time. Mundane and familiar, the brightest shades of red grow dull and ornate designs become simplistic if studied for too long. My reflection looking out with indifference though never quite catching my eyes with silent acknowledgement of truth and understanding, avoiding contact so that the simple fear of reality can be ignored. It’s as if the loneliness inside of me is a creature in itself, locked in a cage forbidden to see the sun. Pride protecting it from vulnerability. A dirty secret never to be shared with another and constantly preparing to attack without the slightest notice, reminders of it’s existence hidden only to appear when least expected and the smallest details that catch you completely off guard and demand the most of your sanity and composition. Hope is too unobtainable, so I will only ponder the delights of possibilities but never consider the potential of action. However, passion and joy walk hand in hand with risk. How I long to feel the freedom that risks entails but with passion comes heat and I am terrified of being burned. Maybe limbo is the safest place for one such as me. For there is balance and although I obsess with one dream it’s cousin haunts my conscience, forever a shadow waiting to ambush. Two sides of the same coin in tandem. I’ve never been much of a gambler but safety is the enemy of rebellion and I am constantly on the brink of civil war. Wishing to jump but avoiding the fall. Never given one without the other. So I shall settle for content, because happiness and sorrow is a package deal. I’ll dream of the perfect circumstance and convince myself just to dream by defining all the things that could go wrong. Why run in circles, when I can stand in place, giving up the rush to keep from sinking under. Stare lovingly at the moon and stars but never take flight.
I wrote this years ago while I was in college. Came across it going through some of my old notebooks. Though ya’ll would like it.